Parameters of a Good Relationship and Marriage
In this article, I would like to tell you about the basics of a good relationship and marriage . Although our target audience is couples who are about to get married, I hope to be able to help individuals who are married or in a relationship by noticing the problems in the relationship process. First of all, let's start with the search for answers to the questions of what is a relationship and why do we need it and why do we get married.
WHAT IS THE RELATIONSHIP?
In a special context, it is a message transmission that is shaped by behaviors, under the guidance of feelings and thoughts between people. Although it may seem confusing, I think it is the best definition.
WHY DO WE NEED?
Because desires, wishes and needs need to be answered. And this happens in a relationship where there is mutual exchange.
Marriage , on the other hand, is the form of the relationship accepted by the culture and society in a way that the principles and rules of today's meaning were defined in Egypt in 2000 BC. It is the only valid and serious relationship institution that has been traditionally established and officially accepted in all societies, although it shows intercultural differences and common-law marriages are on the rise today. One of the dynamics that systematizes the marital relationship is that it has its own limits. These boundaries ensure that the relationship is protected, confidential, and healthy. And again, because the family is a social system, there are behavioral patterns, it requires appropriate attitudes. However, these attitudes and behaviors can be developed within the family, and they can be made more suitable for the family's own autonomous structure. Each of the spouses gets married for certain reasons and for certain purposes, and brings their expectations regarding the institution to the marriage. These goals and objectives are often not conscious.
Because, by the way, the short-term attachment phase of "in love / being in love" is usually the period when the person enters the marriage. The unconscious desire to please the lover and to see him as the unrealistically desired person is also among the characteristics of this period. Evidence of the lover's negative traits and undesirability is ignored and denied, and warning signs are kept out of consciousness and suppressed. However, every individual acts with the assumption of a healthy relationship and a healthy family.
SO, HEALTHY FAMILY ?
It is functional. Relationships between individuals are also healthy. There is cooperation, sharing, love, solidarity, honesty, acceptance, closeness, respect and support for each other's development among individuals. According to the studies conducted in unhealthy and problematic families, the most common complaints are:
• lack of communication
• ongoing discussions,
• unrealized emotional needs,
• sexual dissatisfaction,
• financial disputes,
• problems with relatives,
• infidelity,
• conflicts with children,
• dominating the spouse despotically,
• skeptical spouse,
• alcoholism and physical assault.
None of these negativities, of course, we do not have in mind when we plan our marriage . There are things we can do to avoid them or to have them at a minimum. These are knowing what a healthy relationship is, having realistic expectations from marriage, and feeling good about ourselves.
It is important to be aware of our criteria that will test the suitability of the spouse we will choose for us, and to get to know ourselves and the other person adequately before engaging in a serious permanent relationship. We said realistic expectations from marriage , but it is not known how many of the following items, which seem to be the primary expectations of many individuals considering marriage, are met:
1. A loyal, devoted, caring wife
2. Persistent support for the rest of the world
3. Companionship and reassurance against loneliness
4. The realization of the individual's main, relationship goal
5. Calmness and orderliness against chaos and conflict in one's life
6. A relationship that should last until death separates
7. Confirmed and easily realized sexual intercourse
8. The experience of a family, reproduction, and children's growth and participation
9. A home, an escape from the world, a refuge
10. A respectable position and status in society
11. Economic security
12. A social unit gives meaning and purpose to one's life.
13. An umbrella image that will bless one's desire to work, gathering wealth and power, and building position
And of course the individual's spiritual and biological needs. While talking about knowing ourselves well and testing the suitability of the spouse we choose, we will also talk about some items:
1- Personal development;
-developing himself to be a better person and wife
-develop yourself by being aware of your emotional difficulties
Marriage is not a self-sustaining institution. People need to develop themselves and gain the skills to solve problems.
2- Emotionality
- Ability to express and feel emotions
- Do not share your feelings
3-Integrity
- Ability to be honest with oneself and with others
- Clarity, sincerity integrity, not playing with emotions and feelings
4-Responsibility and maturity
- Being able to manage the house
- Dealing with financial problems
- Keep your word, respect others
5- Don't look at life positively
- Orientation towards solutions rather than problems
- Turning obstacles into opportunities
- Don't love people
6-Cultural heritage, values, hopes, similarity of family structures
7- Individuals are open to change and flexibility
8-Equivalence of spouses on main issues, close perspectives on events, situations and people
When we pay attention to such features, we say that the fact that the spouses provide at least 70-80% of these items is good for mate selection and a good relationship . While testing the existence of the above items for the spouse candidate and ourselves, we should be aware of the following negative features.